I hope you can offer me some advice about my current situation. I am a thirty-eight year old professional woman who has fallen in love with my twenty-six year old hair stylist.
When I first started going to my hair stylist, I, along with many others, thought he was gay. He wore bright colored shirts with matching shoes, his mannerisms were flamboyant and feminine and he walked with a twist. But the man could do some hair and I made sure that I had a standing appointment with him every week.
During my appointments, he would often ask me out to lunch, dinner or to various plays that came to town. Usually, I declined. Last year, he offered to take me to lunch to celebrate my birthday and this time, I accepted. I had the best time with him. He made me laugh and was a perfect gentleman. His behavior was still a little feminine but not as over the top as it was when he was in the salon. We went out several times after that and I began to think that maybe he wasn’t gay at all but instead just a very sensitive man. The careful attention he paid to his personal appearance made me think that maybe he was metro-sexual. There was absolutely nothing gay about the way he kissed me or the way he threw down when we were in the bedroom. He was the most attentive lover I had ever had.
When I felt our relationship was moving in a more serious direction, I decided it was time to introduce him to my family. I invited him to our family’s annual New Year’s Day reunion dinner. When he arrived, my brothers and sisters took one look at the way he dressed and the way he walked and immediately labeled him a “fag”. It didn’t seem to bother him at all but I was infuriated. I insisted that they apologize to him and to me for being so disrespectful. I told them that he was NOT gay. My mother and my sisters keep telling me that if it walks like a fag, talks like a fag, then it is a fag. My family are not the only people who look at us strangely when we go out. Whenever we’re walking together holding hands or if we share a kiss in public, folks stare.
When I asked him how he feels when people label him as a gay man, he says that as long as he knows who and what he is, it doesn’t matter to him what other people say. He said that when women think he is gay, they open up and tell him a world of sercrets and that their men aren’t threatened by him at all. He says it is good for business and as long as they are paying $100 to $300 to sit in his chair, they can think what they want.
I truly care about this man but I can’t help but be a little bothered by how others view him. Does this make me shallow?
C.C. in Alabama
The fact that you are “bothered” by what other people think of your man doesn’t necessarily mean that you are shallow. I don’t believe that it is what the other people are saying or thinking about him that bothers you. I believe that deep down inside, you are still unsure about his sexuality.
Now, you said in your letter that you asked him how he felt about being labeled as gay but you didn’t say whether or not you have asked him if he is or has been gay or bi-sexual. Just because he can “throw down” in the bedroom is not a sure sign that he is not gay. Remember, gay people have good sex, too.
Intuition can be a wonderful tool, if used correctly. If you have a feeling that something isn’t right about a situation, embrace that feeling and listen to it. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions or have the uncomforatable conversations. Both of you need to have peace of mind in this relationship.
Have a question about love, sex or relationships? Send them to Hazel’s HOTmail at firstname.lastname@example.org Be sure to put “HOTmail” in the subject line. To insure anonymity, only your initials and your state will be printed.