After twelve years of marriage, my husband and I are in a rut, sexually. We both work eight to ten hours a day and by the time I pick the kids up from daycare, come home and make dinner and put the kids to bed, I am too tired for sex. My husband usually falls asleep on the couch after dinner.
When we do manage to make love, it is the same old same old. He’ll touch and kiss me in the same places and after a few minutes of that, we’ll assume one of two positions. Usually we’re done after about twenty minutes that seem more like two hours. Sometimes I orgasm during sex and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, my husband will masturbate me until I do. Again, more of the same. I am getting to the point where I can go weeks maybe even months without sex because it is so boring. I miss the days when we were all over each other and sex was exciting.
Do you have any suggestions that will help us light that fire again?
D.L., in Orlando
You and your husband are not alone. Quite a few couples experience a decline in the quantity and quality of sex after marriage.
When the relationship is new, you can’t get enough of each other. Sexual attraction is intense and the desire for each other is off the charts. The sex is hot and passionate enough to melt the sheets.
What happens? Life. We get caught up in taking care of the day to day issues (work, children, bills, etc.) and sex seems like just another thing on our list that we have to do.
Nothing rings more true than what Schmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex, says, “ Sex is not a luxury of marriage, but its most basic necessity.” Couples who do not have a satisfying sex life will find that every aspect of the relationship will become affected.
We have to make time for sex that satisfies the mind, body and soul.
Here are a few things that may help get you and your husband going again:
-Send your husband a sexy email or text message detailing what you have in store for him later. By all means, be explicit. Be prepared to back your words up with plenty of action.
-Do lunch. This time, you are the only thing on the menu. You won’t have to beg him to chow down.
-Wake him with a little good morning kiss you know where. Testosterone is at its highest peak in the morning for men and your husband probably has an erection when he wakes up. Make this work for you.
-Get out of the bedroom. Try having sex in other areas in the house.
-Let him watch. You said that he usually masturbates you. Why not let him watch you masturbate yourself? If you’re confident enough, you can even incorporate a vibrator or dildo.
-Take the day off. If possible, both of you can take the day off work and spend the day home alone in bed. Yes, you will still take the kids to daycare or to grandma’s. The goal is to spend uninterrupted time with your lover. Make foreplay last for hours by taking the time to experience each other totally. Touch him where you’ve never touched him before and invite him to do the same. Make it more about intimacy.
-Re-position yourself. Make a commitment to try a new position every time you make love. If you need help with ideas, buy a book or dvd on the subject.
Got a question for Hazel on love, sex, and relationships? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org. Remember to put Hazel’s HOTmail in the subject line.